Finding your ness
by sacruz
Summary: Full summary inside. This story is about a complex subject themes and subjects. Consider this your TRIGGER WARNING. Gender swap as well.
1. Chapter 1

Surprise! A New story that I have been diligently working on. While my other story is my baby and I want it to be perfect. This one is about a subject close to my heart and I hope that one day I can help people just like this. So let me know what you think. SC

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Summary

His eyes opened to see the most beautiful sight he had ever seen in the world. The brown eyed goddess he would soon call his wife staring shyly, yet content at him. "Hi," she said with a large smile on her face. He voice was dreamy and distance. Happiness swelled his heart.

"Hi Gorgeous," she beamed at his love call. She is young, beautiful, and smart and he could be in love with anyone else.

"Last night was…breath taking." He pulls her in closer.

"Best for my queen." She smiles bigger causing his own smile. "Happy Valentine's Day, "

Somewhere an alarm goes off loudly.

Chapter 1 - 02/14/16 Morning

The blond man shot up out of his cheap hotel bed mindlessly searching for his phone. Successfully he found the annoying object under his blanket. The name on the call screen flashing 'Regina'. "Fuck," He groaned before swiping the screen. "Hello," he gruffed out.

"Where the fuck are you? Are you still sleeping?" he could hear the anger seething through the phone.

"Yes-I mean no. It's not what you think," He tried to explain.

"It never is." She said coldly, "don't even bother showing up."

"Regina, you can't do that. They are my kids." He raised his voice.

"And they deserve better than to be treated like this, Ej!" She yelled.

"Treated like what?" he said through gritted teeth.

"Second fiddle to your addiction." There was a deathly moment of silence.

"I'm not addicted."

"Then just stop and come back home." Her voice cracked, "If you're not addicted the stop drinking and come home. We will work through everything else." This pained him. He instinctually closed his eyes seeing his wife standing there with tears in her eyes fidgeting with her wedding ring she had recently wore on a silver chain. She didn't know he had seen it hanging around her neck.

"Regina, I can't-"he struggled out as vision of the night they separated flashed before his eyes.

"It's fine. Don't worry about picking up the kids. Daniel and I have decide to spend the day with them." the quick shift in her voice made him shiver.

"Regina, I –"the phone went dead. Ej groaned in frustration and through self-back on the bed. Staring at the ceiling he felt the tears in his eyes ready to fall. He quickly wiped his face. Really men don't cry he thought. He looked to the side where his cheap compressed wood bed stand was and looked at his most prized possession. A silver picture frame which held a picture of Regina and him on their wedding day. She was smiling at him and he was just smiling at her.


	2. Chapter 2

Alright this is chapter 2 and its way way longer. That being said it is like 10 at night and I didn't want to review this chapter, so if there are any mistakes my bad. Also just a small trigger nothing to big. Hope you enjoy. SC

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Chapter 2 - In a Nutshell

The first time Ej saw his wife was in high school. He was new to the small school of Storybrooke High. He was at lunch and since he had yet to make any friend he found himself eating lunch at one of the outside tables. For some unknown reason the cheerleaders were showing off some of their routines or whatever. As he ate, though mostly picking at her food, he watched the cheerleaders flipping, rolling and tumbling. His mouth literally dropped when Regina flipped her way in his direction. At the time Regina merely winked at him as she enjoyed the effect she had on boys. Little did she know that in his eyes she was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. After the group had finished having their fun Ej was able to muster up the courage to talk to Regina. The only reason he was unsuccessful was that his now best friend Graham stopped him from informing him that Regina taken and way out of his league, Ej didn't care. He just offered his future friend a simple, "I will marry her one day," to which Graham chuckled at.

Throughout out their freshman year Ej made many attempts to talk to Regina without seeming to desperate for her attention. After a little over a month Ej could confidently say they were friends, but he wanted more. From the reciprocating actions shown he thought Regina had as well. Ej's desperation and jealousy drove a huge wedge between the two and they had only been friends for more than three months. At large house party they friends were caught up in their biggest argument at the time which lead Ej to come home drunk waking his parents. While his mother, Mary-Margaret was very boisterous of her disapproval towards him at that moment grounding him for a month. Ej's father, David, sat the boy down for a heart to heart that revealed his son's over enthusiastic effort to get the girl. David gave his son the best advice anyone had ever given him. He instructed his son to first apologize to Regina for being too forward and that while he believes that they had chemistry he would willingly back off. Regina had accepted his apology and thing went back to the way they were. Both flirted harder than ever, especially Ej. Sweet touches, that anyone on the outside would have thought they were dating. Nights out with each other, which would lead to close kisses but would never lead anywhere, because Regina reason she had a boyfriend. One day it happened Ej got a girlfriend that wasn't Regina.

It happened suddenly sending Regina into shock. She hadn't even know that Ej was looking at other girls. That was until Ej walked happily into school holding hands with a just as popular girl named Lilly. Then the cycle began again except this time it was Regina who was jealous. They argued all over again. It all combusted one night after sophomore year homecoming dance at an after party. She was arguing again with him and he was done with it. In a frustrating yell he demanded for her to tell him what she wanted. Instead she pulled him into an earth shattering kiss that ended with long overdue hungry sex. Within the month both had ended their relationships. Lilly conveniently moved. Regina and Robin mutually split.

After that time went quickly and both were deciding what the future held for them. Regina decided to attend college while Ej want to peruse a military career. This wasn't easy for either of them. Between the in convinces of both a school/military schedule and the distance both many times discussed separating. Neither ever could though. They just loved each other to much to stop. This love drove Ej to finally do something he had wanted to for a long time. On the day before Valentine's Day Ej went over to Regina's parents' house in his military best and like a man asked her father, Henry, for Regina's hand in marriage. He of course got the man's permission. The next day he showed up at Regina's apartment for a day of romance that started with him dressing like a flower delivery man. After an amazing day Ej went home with Regina where the intimacy of just being with one another gave him the courage to propose.

On a beautiful day drizzling day in August friends and family gathered under the safety of a beautifully decorated tent to hear the two lovers profess their love. Ej once again wore his best as he impatiently waited to see his future wife. He was lucky enough to get two months off to celebrate this day, but upon his arrival had two wait to day, until the wedding, to see Regina as his future mother-in-law insisted on not breaking tradition. He only agreed to appease the controlling woman. Finally, after minutes, hours, day, weeks, months, years, he was able to call Regina his wife. As Regina was walking down the aisle EJ found her to be the most beautiful person he had ever seen. She was dressed in a white gown that clung to her body then flowed into a short train. Her hair was down and had little white flower in it.

All through the ceremony Ej did not pay attention to the priest presentation. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her and tell her she was beautiful. When the priest got to their 'I do's' Ej could not hold it in anymore. When it was his turn instead of saying 'I do' he said 'you're beautiful'. This response caused the witness to chuckle and awe. Regina who had been holding tears finally started shedding happy tears. Instinctively he pulled her into his arms whispering sweet words of comfort until she composed herself.

At the reception everyone enjoyed a hearty three course meal. As they did toast where made first the bride and groom toasted everyone who came, thanking them for being a part of this memorable moment. Ej's dad, David a man of few words, but the words he spoke where passionate. David congratulated his son and gave his son one last piece advise "Now, she is you sun, she is your moon, she is the air you breathe, she is your life. Without her you will die. I know because I have your mother." It was short yet powerful enough to impact his son. Regina's dad fallowed telling everyone of the first time he met Ej. He admitted at first he didn't care much for Ej. The boys ushy bond hair and grungy looking clothing made Henry feel a little weary about his daughter's choice. Now though he was more than proud to say Ej was his son-in-law. Mary-Margaret, Ej's mother, basically cried for her speech. She cried so much Regina had to nudge Ej to retrieve the microphone her. Then it was Ej's turn to nudge Regina as her mother, Cora, would not stop talking. Ej's brother, Neil, and Regina's sister, Zelena, presented a short slide show of the two then gave a brief congratulation. Finally, best man, Graham, and maid of honor, Katheryn, both gave a toast. Graham told the short story of how the first time he met Ej the teen promised to one day marry Regina. While Kathryn told the story of Regina's realization that she loved Ej.

During their first dance Ej surprised Regina by showing her his newest dance skill. While they were in high school Ej was not the best dancer. In fact, at their prom Ej had embarrassed himself by stepping on her feet multiple times while slow dancing. This time though he vowed to not ruin this moment by stepping on her. All the months leading up to their wedding Ej had been secretly practicing and learning how to dance while he was away on deployment. Regina had been delighted and impressed as Ej flawlessly turned her. After reception the newlyweds opted to not travel the day wedding and stayed in the Mills guest house where they consummated their marriage into oblivion. After they had flown to Hawaii for the rest of their honeymoon. While they did do some sightseeing they mostly stayed in the honeymoon suite ordering room service and enjoying each other.

Unfortunately, all good things must end. Ej had to go back to his duty protecting his family and country. Four months later he found out Regina was pregnant. Ej was ecstatic to soon be a father of a little boy. Due to his extreme work schedule he missed the birth of his son, Henry David Swan. He also missed many of Henry's first. When he did make it home though he would make the most of his time. He would spend the day with his son then at night he would he would ravish his wife. While this wasn't ideal it was made the best of.

Regina would get pregnant again with a little boy, Jorden Adrian Swan. While both looked more like Regina with their dark hair and tan complexion, but they both had Ej's bright green eyes. Even with the distance they made it work still. By this time Regina had been working at the Mayor's office and had fallen in love with her career so much that she decided she would run for Mayor once the prior one retired. She then would go on to win the election. Ej was proud of her and proud to be her husband at such an important time. Then thing again had to get difficult. They got pregnant again this time with twin boys, Riley Emlyn Swan and Cruz Parker Swan. Four growing boys and a high demand career made it life for Regina to do on her own difficult. After hours of sporadic discussion, it was decided that Ej would not enlist again once his contract was up.

A week before returning home Ej was shot twice in the chest. One bullet did minimal damage, while the other punctured a lung. The injuries where bad enough to almost kill him He begged his higher ups to not tell his family, especially his wife, which they didn't. After two months on the hospital he finally was released and aloud to go home for good. The only downfall he had a worried wife at home who he never told about the injuries.

Once he got home everything shockingly changed. The pace of life and how relatively un-adapted to it all made normal things a struggle for him. What made it all worst was that he had no schedule. Everyone around him had thing they had to do, but all he did was float between everyone's time. Especially his own wife. Regina would get up at 6am make coffee. Wake the kids at 7 am. Be out of the house with the kids by 8:30 am. Dropped them off at school by 8:45 am. She then be at work by 9:00am. Once at work she would become so engrossed that she may never get a lunch. Then she would not arrive home many nights till 10pm. Regina was so schedule oriented even the children felt obligated to fallow it. Ej would pick the kids up at 3pm. Then they would come straight home by 3:45pm. Do homework until dinner was made, which he always struggled to make decent and have it on the table by 5:30pm. God forbid it be late. Even when he tried to be spontaneous and take the kids out to a movie on a Tuesday night not only did Regina freak out, but so did the kids. By 8 the kids had to be showered and in bed. Leaving him to sit and wait. In all he spent 8 hours plus doing nothing and the other time even though he was with his family he felt like an outcast.

When Regina would arrive home late at night she would most time be too tired to pay him any mind. Even when she would look for some kind of intimacy he couldn't find the passion he once had for her because it had been shadowed by the ongoing guilt he had for not telling her about being shot. The first time they had sex she saw the scars and he lied to her saying they were from carrying his pack all day while marching. He knew she didn't believe that and even when he would wake from nightmares he knew she didn't believe he was fine. The stress of this secret caused him to be naked or shirtless in front of her.

To help ease these pent up feeling and problems he started drinking heavily. Many would say it's easy to just talk to someone instead of drink, but for him it wasn't. No one would listen, but most of all his pride would not let him burden someone else. Slowly depression started kicking in and he only drank more. He and Regina started fighting a lot. They would fight about money, attention, the kids, and non-existant things like leaving the toilet seat up. Then when Regina's new friend Daniel came into the picture that's when he started accusing her of cheating. He knew she wasn't, but his insecurities ate away at him plus the attention he received when accused her was better than nothing.

Many times while they were fighting he was buzzed or drunk. Which Regina pointed out on many occasion that it was a problem. He ignored her and told himself that she didn't understand it was only him releasing. His only way of releasing the emotions he kept deep inside himself. Even when she cried for him to stop he couldn't. Finally, after 2 years of the same old song and dance it all exploded. After another heated argument about Daniel. Ej Stormed out of the house to his oasis, the Rabbit Hole. He never went out as he preferred drinking in the comfort and privacy of his own home. When he did though he would more often than not go to the Rabbit Hole.

As he was well on his way to becoming a blacked out drunk a woman approached him. They started talking and flirting. This was the attention he thought he was missing. They somehow ended up in her hotel room. She straddling him and making it very known that she wanted to fuck him. As the woman reached for his pants he stopped her. Wouldn't cheat on Regina he couldn't. He loved her even after all this time. Instead he went back to the bar and continued his mission.

Stumbling drunk he wandered back home guilt eating away at his insides. He had convinced himself in his drunken state that he would go home crawl into bed hold his wife then when morning came something would change. As quietly as he could he snuck into the house took off his shoes. When he turned to head up the stairs he saw the one person he wasn't ready for Regina. He could tell tears had been falling down her face for hours now as she waited for him to get home. The look in her eyes let him know she already knew about the other woman.

"I-I want a divorce," her voice cracked in pain. It took a moment but he finally understood her words.

"Regina Please-" he tried only to hear her laugh cynically.

"And to think this whole time I thought it was my fault you were acting like this…" it was cold, "I was going to resign for you. I was going to try and focus on us for a while. But this whole time it was you sleeping around like some kind of disgusting loser." Fresh tears fell from her eyes. "I'm done. We're done. Leave and take this stupid ring with you." She took it off tossing it at him it hitting him in the chest. The thud of the small object shooting pain 10x worse the bullets.

"No," he said stepping towards her, "I love you," he cried.

"You are a weak man Emlyn Swan. I'm done with this bullshit. I regret marrying you. The only thing good you gave me where my children. You are worthless to me…" next thing that happened Regina was on the floor holding her cheek. He had hit her. He didn't remember it though. It happened so fast that he was now sober and confused.

"Regina," he said appauld with his heart beating fast. He saw her eyes drift up to second floor landing. He turned to find Henry looking down on them tears in his beautiful green eyes. The boy had watched the whole thing.

"Get out." Regina growled. He looked back at Regina. He wanted to say something. He wanted to apologize. "GET OUT!" she yelled. Not having the energy, he gave up and walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys this is a short one, but I am still studying for my finals. I just need a break. Also regarding the chapter lengths some will be short while others will be long. On the days I give you short chapters I want to plan for 2 chapter, but on the longer ones you will just get one. As always let me know what you think. -SC

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Chapter 3 – Happy Valentine's day

Ej slowly walked up he stone walkway to his house. Well, the house he bought for Regina. His hands were deep in his pockets mindlessly playing with the lint that lay at the both. She had told him to stay away, but he couldn't they were his kids too and he loved them. As he hit the first wooden step of the deck the door flung open followed by the squeal of his two youngest. "Daddy!" they yelled in tune with one another.

"Munchkins," he laughed happily as he caught them in his arms after vaulting from the top step. "I missed you guys." He blew raspberries into their necks causing them to giggle.

"We are going to a cabin in the woods." Cruz said happily.

"Yeah," Riley confirmed with his twin. "Are you coming with us, daddy? Daniel said he would show us how to fish!" the young boy yelled happily. Just like that Ej's moment happiness was gone.

"Uh…" he choked out, "No baby boys. I think its best if I skip out," he said with a sad smile.

"Awe," both boy pouted. They were looking more and more like Regina. Everything except their eyes those where his.

"Cruz! Riley!" came the yells and clicking of heels from his wife. "What have I told you about being out front." Her stern voice was filled with authority causing all three to shudder in fear. When she finally steps onto the stoop he sees Regina is wearing heeled boots, black skinny's and a red blouse that matched her lipstick. He instantly ached to kiss her. "Ej," she scolded sighing in annoyance, "what are you doing here?"

"My alarm didn't go off. I'm sorry I'm late." He put his children down and placed his hand in his pockets.

"I told you not to bother." Ej's face dropped. He felt like a homeless dog that had been kick and lfet to die.

"Mommy can daddy come with us?" Riley innocently asked blind to the tension.

"No, I'm sorry my sweet boy, but I think your father has plans with his friends Jack and Jose." Regina once again kicked him.

"Really, Regina?" he growled in anger and shame.

"Daddy they can come too! Right, mommy." Cruz tried to convince his parents.

"I shouldn't baby boy. Next time though." He sadly said kissing the top of his son's head. "But why don't you guys go inside and get ready." With simultaneous 'ok's the boys ran off. Looking at Regina he wanted to be mad at her, but couldn't find it in him, not today. "So, you're playing house with Daniel?"

"Well he spends a lot of time with the kids. Its more than I can say about their drunkard of a father." She had verbally slapped him. No. She had torn out his heart and crushed it in front of him.

"Yeah. You're..." he stuttered feeling the tears wanting to fall, "You're right." He felt useless and worthless. It didn't matter that he loved her. It didn't matter that he just wanted her. He didn't matter. "Soon you won't have to deal with me," he mumbled.

"What?" she said missing the last part.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it," he shook his head.

"Ej," she tried, but he cut her off.

"Here," he thrusted a folded piece of paper at her. He then softly captured her lips expressing all the love, passion and guilt he still felt. At first Regina didn't react. She hadn't kissed her husband in year, but God did it feel like home to the both of them. 'One last time' Ej thought as he pulled away tears running down his face now. "Happy Valentine's Day," he said before turning and leaving. He didn't look back. He couldn't. if he did he would have lost his forward motion. He couldn't do this to her anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Here is another chapter. Against my better creative voice consider this your **TRIGGER WARNING:** This is basically a chapter about suicide. I know nothing about what suicide works so forgive me if I offend anyone. So you know you can overdose on weed, but its usually not deadly. I am using it kinda as a painkiller/numbing agent.

As always my mistakes are my own. Love hearing from you guys. Enjoy SC

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Chapter 4 – Sweet Pea

Ej is a romantic. He always would come up with sweet romantic ways to woo Regina in high school. He would bring her single flowers almost every day. He would carry her piggy back style if her shoes started to hurt her. When she did where regular shoes he would tie her laces. These gestures were a normal occurrence; it was extremely sweet.

While away on tour Ej missed many opportunities to provide those romantic gestures for his wife. Then one day he came up with a plan. If he couldn't romance his wife, he would find a different way to show his love. He started to draw for her, mostly flowers. By the time he retired he was an expert on drawing flowers. From then on while he was away he would send her a flower for every birth day, wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day and every other holiday he could think of. His first attempt at a flower took a total of 36 hours. It was a drawing of a lily for mother's day it wasn't the best, but it was still something Regina cherished.

This time it was different though. Ej had given Regina a folded paper with drawing of pink and red carnations. In the middle of all the carnation was a single sweat pea. In that instant after seeing the drawing Regina somewhere deep inside that she of a man was the sweet caring person she had fallen in love with. As quick as that spark of hope appeared it slunk away disappearing in the thick of depression.

Hopelessly Ej Sped from the home he had once occupied. At first he had no mission he just drove. Tears blinding his vision as trees and forest blurred. He was going a minimum of a 100mph through the twist and turns of the sleep forest road. One small miss calculation would cause the front end of his car to meet with a tree. Most likely killing him on impact before a fiery blaze of metal and wood consumed him and his car. _Not like that._ He didn't want any one, especially his children, to see him as a crispy drunk loser.

His children. _Fuck_. Just thinking about them made him cry more. They were perfect. His life had been perfect. Now it was all gone his wife couldn't stand to be in the same room as him. His kids hardly knew him. Henry only thought of him as a sperm donor. Jorden was confused about his mother and brother's anger towards Ej, confused on Ej wasn't around, just confused about everything. His parents and sibling didn't know how to handle him. He was jobless. Had no one. He was a drunk and useless. No he was worthless. He nothing more than a burden to everyone he knew. After 4 years he was done.

Three hours after leaving Regina's he pulled up to had been his home 4 years now…His ex-girlfriend's Grandmothers Bed and Breakfast. _Fuck_. Tears still falling down his face he sat in his running car in an attempt to collect himself. Two more hours later his car had died. Sighing he took the death of beloved vehicle as a sign from God that it was time. Not caring he left the keys in the ignition car still on and exited the vehicle.

With whatever strength he had left he dragged himself like a zombie through the door of the Bed and Breakfast. There in the midst of the stale old lady smell sat his ex, Ruby, filling and painting her nails. That was her thing she would sit at the counter file and painting her nails every time she worked here. One time he mustered up the courage to ask her why it was she was always messing with her nails. In pure Ruby fashion she said it was because it drove her grandmother crazy and because her girlfriend was kinky and loved it when her nails where sharped to a point.

"Hey there Boo," she casually looked up at him with a smile only to have it instantly fall. "Are you all right," evident concern in her tone.

"Yea," his voice sounded as if it was out of his body. "Here," he said handing her an envelope with $1,500 in it, "This should cover two more months of rent."

"Oh," She took note of his apparent strangeness, "well let me get you a receipt." She attempted to pull out her receipt book.

"Don't worry about it," he said before skunking off towards his room. Before disappearing he turned towards Ruby one last time. "Thanks again Red for everything." Not wanting to see her pity he left before she could utter another word.

Inside his room he locked the door behind him. A few weeks ago he had made a special trip to see a friend of his from the military in Boston. While visiting, his friend hooked him up with a number of unknown prescription drugs and good amount of weed. In no aspects was Ej a druggie, but he would dabble if the time and mood was right. Quietly he pulled out the a few packets of swisher and started replacing the tobacco with weed. After he finished he lit the weed and started downing a flask of tequila. As his cross fade started to sink in Ej gathered up a black notebook and pin. Unsure how to start Ej grabbed a bottle of pills and swallowed have the bottle washing it down with half bottle of tequila.

Soon the inspiration to write started coming. Soon the tequila had run out, his first blunt was and the first 30 pills had yet to affecting him. So he grabbed a larger bottle this time whisky, lit another blunt and downed the rest of the pill bottle. He continued to write though and has he moved to the next blunt and a through half of the 1.75 liter bottle he started to feel his eyes get heavy.

Every time he blinked the darkness would last a little longer and longer. He started hallucinating or remembering he couldn't tell the difference. All he knew was that Regina was there smiling back at him. In his head he told her how sorry he was and how much he loved her. in his head Regina said she loved him and that it would all be okay. He tried to explain things but he couldn't because the loud banging kept him from being heard. It was driving him crazy how loud the bangs where and how the reverberations made the image of Regina fade in and out. In attempt to hold on to Regina Ej reached out for her, but as he did she faded away causing him to fall in to the blackness of his mind. While falling he heard the faint sound of his name being called. Than nothing else.


	5. Chapter 5

What up peeps! How are you guys. I know I haven't updated in a while. My bad. Actually I have just been super busy for the past month and a half. So you guys know I have been busy with my two jobs, going to San Francisco for pride, my PSY 240 class, my in-laws are here, my mom's b-day, and camping. So I'm exhausted and can't wait to get a break. Just so you guys don't think I'm all the way slacking this chapter has been written for a while, but haven't had a chance to edit and post it. Also I have about 70 pages written in a note book that has to be transposed into word.

Anyways just to show you I haven't forgotten you guys here is a small chapter. Oh and before I forget thank you to all my readers and follower. I'm just glad you all are enjoying my creativity. -sc

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Chapter 5: This was my promise my life will be yours. You married an alcoholic. I'm sorry I'm fuck up. I might have died but please know I only wish to love you, Regina.

Regina,

By the time you read this I'll probably be dead. I know that by doing this it makes me a coward and selfish. I suppose you will be overjoyed knowing this is my last selfish/cowardly act. **This** probably won't make sense to anyone one. It barely does to me. I know you wanted me to sign the divorce papers, but I can't. When I married you it **was** till death do us part; well I am keeping that vow and giving you what you want. I have also fulfilled **my promise** to always take care of you and the kids. Consider this **my** last will and testament. I have taken out a **life** insurance policy that covers death by suicide. It's a 2.5million life insurance policy making you and the kids set for life. You **will** also be receiving my pension and benefits. The kids have trust made in their names for college or life or whatever they decide when they become the age of 21. All the information and details can **be** found in the drawer near the bed.

I want to apologize to you Regina. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I could be **yours.** I'm sorry for not being the man **you married**. Im sorry for being in such denial that I couldn't see that I was **an alcoholic**. Im sorry for being so insecure that I fought with you. **Im sorry** we fought. I am sorry that **I am a fuck up**. Im sorry that I have been so selfish and irresponsible. I sorry for that girl. I am sorry for kissing her and allowing myself to give into temptation. Im just sorry.

 **I** suppose you deserve and explanation to everything. I really don't have one. It **might** be a mixture of events that has culminated to this moment. I **have** been shot at and shot. I almost **died** , seeing everyone living normally after I've live so out of the norm, and a bunch of other stuff, it all just added up. I know I should have talked to you, to anyone, **but** I couldn't. I felt ashamed.

 **Please** tell my mom not to cry she didn't do anything wrong. Tell her that one day I will see her and I won't that broke man I **know** she saw. Tell my dad that he is a great man and **I only wish** I could be more like him and less like me. Tell Neal that even if we aren't that close after I was deployed I always was happy he was my brother. Tell Graham to keep living even though I chose not **to** live anymore. Tell the kids that I have and always will love them. They are my everything and as I leave I will think of them. I will think of who they are and who they will become. How I will physically miss all their first, prom, weddings, grandchildren, but will be there spiritually.

Finally, you Regina please don't blame yourself. You loved me the best you could...I'm Just broke. You are my first love, you are my only love, you are my best friend.

I **love you, Regina**. I love our kids and I love the family. I just can't take this pain and suffering anymore.

Ej


	6. Chapter 6

Hey peeps, another chapter is up. Its a little short, but the next chapter should be longer. Enjoy ~SC

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Chapter 6: Choose

He noted the still darkness that surrounded him, it was soothing. Without warning a loud beeping sound rang through the darkness. It continued for what felt like hours. _Am I dead?_ * **Beep*** He asked to his new found friend as the beeps proceeded. ***Beep*** _Is this this really what death is like?_ ***Beep*** _This stupid beeping is going to drive me crazy. *_ **Beep*** _Maybe if I move._ ***Beep*** He couldn't. A weight was on him pressing his heavy feeling body. ***Beep*** _Maybe I can open my eyes._ ***Beep*** He tried. Slowly the light started to stream in from his eyes. At first his vision blurred, but that quickly cleared. As the room started to focus he found himself in a dimly lit cream colored hospital room. Still feeling the weight holding him down he looked down an identified a dark haired lump laying on part of his body. He instantly knew who it was, _fuck._ He was still alive. Sighing he ran a hand through her soft tousled hair. The action caused his sleeping wife to stir.

"Ej" she gasped. He didn't say anything but he could see the stains of both new and old tears on her face. "I'm so glad you're ok," she rushed to kiss him catching him off guard. As quick as his sweet Regina was there she quickly disappeared. A searing white light pain shot across his face. Lost in her emotions she slapped him. "What in the hell were you thinking!" she was pissed. Afraid that her anger would kill her husband she stepped away from the bed with pace. "Do you know how stupid you are right now? Do you even care how this would affect everyone?" she continued her pacing. Ej merely watched as Regina released her anger. "Graham? Your Parents? The Kids? But most of all me?!" Her tears were falling hard now as she covered her face. The Regina they all knew would have died of heart break and would have become nothing more than a shell of her former self.

"I- ", Regina didn't let him continue.

"No, you don't get to say anything." She seethes, "nothing you can say will make any of this better." she grabbed a piece of paper from her pocket. "You think this fucked up letter makes me feel better or changes anything to make this alright." She angrily crumpled the piece of paper then chucked it as hard as she could; hitting him in the forehead. "I'm done with this. I'm done with being at home worrying that one of these times when I pick up someone will be telling me you died. Or scared to open the door because I don't know if it will be a good guest. I am done trying to explain to our children why you can't be with us. For almost 11 years I have been playing this game where you are gone and I worry then when it's convenient for you you're there then gone again. I just can't anymore." It quiet for a long moment. "Say something Em." He couldn't find anything. Regina went to her coat as if she was going to leave.

"Regina please don't go. I just feel so small like all the time. All this life is just over my head. Please just don't go. I love you please don't leave me." His eyes started to water, "Whatever you want I'll give it to you."

"I'm done with these games Em, do you understand." He nodded his head afraid his constricting through would suffocate him. "Then choose." She held up two manila envelopes. "This one contains divorce papers and parental rights papers." Ej Gulped, "this one," she held up the right hand higher, "is help," she sighed, "I-I love you Em. I always have and always will. I hope you can see how much I need you. Everyone else can see it in the way your clothes still hang in the closet. In how your side of the bed is still made. In how when you leave I count the steps, the minutes, hours, days, weeks that you are away and I don't see you. Sometimes I wear your clothes and I spray them with your cologne. Then I just lay in bed and think of all the moments we have missed being separated and it makes me cry. I am tired of being apart Em. I just want you home once and for all. I know this won't be easy for either of us, but I am willing if you are." Ej's heart ached, "please just choose."


End file.
